What not to do on your resume

[WARNING: This is a rant. I write it with hopes of keeping more folks from making the mistakes list below.]

 I did not know people actually did these things until I recently read through a stack of resumes.  The people represented were not college freshmen. They were "business professionals."

• Don't shrink the font to 8-point to make it all fit on one page. 
• Don't write 200 descriptors about each job you've held. 2-3 sentences will suffice.
• Don't create and attach your resume as a microsoft publisher file. Please. Just don't.
• Don't use an online template... but if you do, be sure to fill in each blank.  I don't want to read [your name] [phone] [email].
• Don't create giant margins to make your resume look longer.  Seriously, don't go for 2 and 1/2 inch margins. 
• Don't forget what college degree you earned.  It's not a  baccalaureate of arts. It's a Bachelor of Arts.
• Don't use there in place of their (e.g. use my abilities to there maximum potential) especially when you're applying for a job that includes frequent communication with customers in writing. Doing so only makes me question the college degree you listed from five years earlier that still says [pending].
• Don't "print screen" your resume from USAJOBS or any other site.  Take the time to create a real resume for this job. 
• When talking about a specific job, don't say "similar description as X job." That says, "I'm too lazy to type out another description of my responsibilities in said role." Instead, tell us what you did that stood out or what you accomplished there, not their.
• Don't put on your resume that you received "atta girl" notes.  That's creepy.  Maybe you could say.... well, nothing. Just leave that out.
• Don't list your mom as a reference.  Or your dad, or your grandma, brother, sister, or child. You get the point.
• Don't change fonts from one page to the next. 
• If you use a template, don't forget about the headers and footers.  If your resume ends with me@mycompany.com 12345 Main Street (123) 456.7890, then it becomes clear you didn't even read all the way to the bottom of the resume. 
• When talking about job responsibilities, don't use present tense verbs, past tense verbs, and adjectives.  Pick one or the other and stick to it. 
• Don't forget to check your headings... like this:
  Certification
  s
  
  really? seriously? Did that word need two lines? 
• Don't list your unaccredited university or your non-degree "MBA equivalent." That's great for life skills but doesn't offer the best impression on a resume.
• Be honest on your resume.  Keep it short and sweet.  Highlight your relevant experience.  This is your chance to brag on yourself, just not in the ways listed here.